The Illusion of Control: Letting Go of Blame and Praise

We’ve been told our whole lives that everything is up to us. "If it is to be, it’s up to me," the saying goes. But what if that’s simply not true? Neuroscience now tells us what sages have known for millennia: our thoughts, actions, and even our sense of self are caused. Every thought you have is the result of countless conditions, stretching back through time and space. How, then, can you blame yourself for what has happened—or praise yourself for what has gone right? None of this is truly "up to you."

This doesn’t mean there isn’t a "you," but it does mean that the independent, self-determined "you" is an illusion created by the left brain’s interpreter. That interpreter is endlessly working to weave meaning from the chaos of existence. It’s what makes sense of the world, but it also creates the story of separation: "I am me, and this is mine." It births judgment and duality, labeling things as good or bad, success or failure.

When you cling to the illusion of self, you burden yourself with blame for everything that has gone wrong. But if you look deeply, you will see how life is caused. There are no isolated, independent acts. Every thought, every action is the result of a chain of events—millions of them—stretching beyond anything you can imagine. To believe otherwise is to misunderstand the nature of existence.

Blame Is the First Step

Blame is one of the most pervasive and damaging habits of the left brain. It is rooted in the illusion that we are independent agents with complete control over our lives. We blame ourselves for failing to meet impossible expectations, and we blame others when they fail us. But this blame, as pervasive as it is, does not align with reality.

Neuroscientists have shown that our actions and decisions are influenced by a web of factors beyond our awareness. Your brain is constantly interpreting stimuli, reacting to cues, and relying on deeply ingrained patterns to make sense of the world. This process is not something you consciously control. So, how can you possibly blame yourself—or anyone else—for what unfolds?

This understanding is profoundly freeing. Imagine the relief of letting go of blame. All the ways you think you’ve fallen short, all the regrets you carry—they’re not "your fault." You’re not some flawed architect of failure. The universe has been unfolding through you.

This is particularly vital when we think of addiction. Addiction has often been treated as a personal failing, but it is not. It is, at its core, a "dis-ease." The brain, in its attempts to find relief from suffering or to navigate unresolved tension, falls into patterns of distraction and dependency. When we see addiction as a dis-ease, we strip away the moral judgment and instead see it for what it truly is: the brain doing what it has been conditioned to do. Understanding this dissolves the shame that keeps so many trapped in cycles of despair.

Praise: The Harder Truth

Yet, there’s a harder truth: letting go of praise. We love to claim ownership when things go well. "I worked hard for this." "I’m so talented." But if you release blame, you must also release praise. That’s the balance. Every great artist has known this. When asked about their masterpieces, they’ll tell you, "It came through me."

Maya Angelou once reflected on this idea when she described writing. She didn’t see herself as the creator but as the vessel. "I write because I am a writer," she said. "But it’s not something I do. It’s something I’ve been given." Similarly, Michelangelo, when asked how he created the David, said he simply revealed what was already there in the marble. Beethoven spoke of "hearing" the music, not composing it.

These great creators knew their genius wasn’t theirs to claim. They were conduits for something larger. And yet, when something bad happens, we’re quick to assign blame. "That was their fault." "They made the wrong choice." The hypocrisy of this is staggering. We can’t selectively apply causality to others while exempting ourselves from it. If you can see that success flows through you, you must also see that failure flows through everyone.

Letting go of praise is harder because it strikes at the heart of the ego. We want to feel special, to claim our victories. But just as it is unkind to blame yourself, it is dishonest to take full credit. Life is not about owning outcomes—it’s about participating in them.

Freedom Beyond Blame and Praise

Some fear that if we abandon blame and praise, we’ll lose motivation. This fear comes from the same left-brain thinking that creates duality and separation. The Bhagavad Gita speaks directly to this fear. Arjuna, hesitant to enter battle, questions the point of action. Krishna reminds him: "You must act because it is karma—causal. You have no choice but to engage." Life unfolds, and you are part of its unfolding. You act not because you are the doer, but because doing is in your nature.

When we let go of blame and praise, we step into a more profound understanding of ourselves and the world. This perspective is echoed in religion and philosophy. The religious give power to God, acknowledging that they live in His world. Taoists embrace the flow of the Tao, moving with life rather than against it. Both paths reject the illusion of control and find ease in surrender.

Ease: The Flow of Life Itself

Letting go of blame and praise is not resignation—it is transcendence. It is the realization that life itself is the creator, and we are the instruments through which it plays its infinite song. The rivers do not claim they flow, the stars do not declare they shine, and yet they move with a brilliance and purpose beyond comprehension. So too, do we.

This is not a passive state; it is vibrantly alive. Without the need for self-ownership, action becomes pure. Love flows without expectation. Creativity bursts forth without hesitation. Compassion rises without judgment. You are no longer the doer, but the witness, the vessel, the dance itself.

As the Taoists say, “The sage acts without claiming, accomplishes without dwelling, and achieves without taking credit.” This is not a rejection of life’s beauty but an embrace of its vastness. It is living with the quiet confidence that nothing needs to be different, and yet everything is unfolding perfectly.

To truly grasp this is to feel the profound freedom that comes from stepping beyond the illusion of control. Imagine the relief of setting down the weight of blame, no longer bound by the ache of what could have been. Imagine the humility of releasing the grip of praise, no longer confined by the stories of ego.

This is not indifference. It is the beginning of a life lived fully. When you release the illusion of control, you stop carrying the unnecessary burdens of blame and praise. Instead, you begin to see yourself as the awareness in which life unfolds, perfectly imperfect, endlessly evolving.

This is not the end of engagement. It is the start of authentic participation. You engage not to control but to experience. You act not to own but to witness. And in doing so, you discover the profound ease of being.